Jake Westbrook Shocked to Return to Team Full of Children

This week, Jake Westbrook rejoined the St. Louis Cardinals in New York and was stunned to discover that the pitching staff was now full of what the veteran righthander called “small children”.

“I don’t know what to think anymore,” Westbrook told reporters.  “When I left the team, it was a seasoned squad of hard-nosed ballplayers.  These were guys who had been places, seen things, and had a history of taking the ball every five days and giving 110%.  But when I got back, everything was upside down. I told them it looked like the set of Captain Kangaroo. They didn’t even know who that was. They thought I was talking about the Jerry O’Connell/Anthony Anderson buddy film. Why the hell would I ever talk about that?”

The experienced sinkerballer, who had been on a rehabilitation assignment in the minor leagues, spent the afternoon trying to understand his new teammates. “They are all listening to this thing called ‘dub step’,” he said. “I don’t think you can even call this music.  It sounds like a VHS tape being rewound.”

Rookie Keith Butler overheard this comment and spent the afternoon trying to find an active torrent for A VHS Tape Being Rewound, which he believed to be the name of a band.

Westbrook almost missed out on his first day with the team.  Upon arriving at Shea Stadium, he turned around and headed back to the airport, believing that he had accidentally stumbled onto a little league field. He only realized his mistake when he saw the area surrounding Shea, and came to the conclusion that no sane person would build a little league field there.

“Do these kids’ parents know that they are here?” Westbrook wondered aloud as he drove around Queens. “This can’t be right.” He then returned to Shea and reportedly forced reliever Seth Maness to call his mother to pick him up at the stadium.

Maness reluctantly discussed the encounter with reporters. “My mom isn’t even in the state,” he said. “So the whole thing was really awkward. Jake kept yelling about why I was allowed to travel alone. He was talking about going to visit social services to report my family. Then he offered me candy and scolded me when I took it.”

Even after coming to grips with the fact that he was at the right stadium, and that the children around him were now Major League baseball players, Westbrook wasn’t comfortable. “These kids just aren’t ready,” he stated. “Have you tried to talk to the youngest? I don’t even think he’s speaking in full sentences yet.”

When reached for comment, Michael Wacha was reluctant to respond to Westbrook’s allegations. “wtf,” he said. “idk.”

One rookie, Tyler Lyons, hasn’t taken the veteran’s return well. “He kept saying that I’m not old enough to date girls,” the lefthander said. “I thought it was a joke.  You know, harmless hazing. But I brought my girlfriend to a bar after the game and Jake just attacked her.  Straight up tackled her and called the police. Accused her of being a pedophile right there in front of everyone.”

“I’ve seen every episode of ‘To Catch a Predator’,” Westbrook explained. “I know how to handle those perverts. Now, I’m sure that a smooth operator like Chris Hansen would have kept things a bit quieter. But what was I supposed to do? That sicko brought a little boy into a bar. I know what she was planning on doing to him by the end of the night.”

Lyons reportedly was also aware of what his date was planning on doing to him and will never forgive Westbrook for his actions.

As of time of publication, Jake Westbrook was considering whether to take his concerns about all the kids on the pitching staff to Cards GM John Mozeliak. He is not sure the GM will be able to adequately address the issue, as he believes that Mozeliak is actually two small boys dressed in a trench coat and scarf impersonating an adult man.

Michael Wacha Poised To Make First Major League Start, Fix Struggling Economy

At 7:15 PM Central Time, Michael Wacha will take the mound at Busch Stadium for the first time as he looks to extend the St. Louis Cardinals’ winning streak to 5 and complete the intrastate sweep of the Kansas City Royals.  Expectations are high around St. Louis for the 2012 first round pick, with fans counting down the hours until his debut and a brutal trademark battle brewing on tumblr with a small but dedicated group claiming that hashtag #Wachamania dilutes the distinctive value of Final Fantasy X slash fan fiction hashtag #Wakkamania.

“I can’t wait to see what he can do,” said Cardinals fan Michael Wacha, who today legally changed his name in anticipation of the 21 year-old righthander’s first start. “I’m expecting to see nine, maybe ten strikeouts in the first three innings. I’d predict more, but Yadier doesn’t let enough pitches get away from him for The Big Train to really rack up the Ks in the opening third of the game.”

He later clarified that “The Big Train” was his preferred nickname for the Cardinals newest starting pitcher, after the legendary Walter Johnson.

Local businesses are also looking forward to the young pitcher’s debut. His presence is expected to create a surge in revenue, perhaps enough to make the final push for the region out of the current recession. “Tourists won’t be able to stay away,” said a representative from the office of Mayor Slay.  “This is going to be like opening a new ballpark, or even acquiring a Major League Soccer team.  People will come to the ballpark to see Wacha.  He’s something special.  I think he throws a change up.”

“This is the biggest thing to happen to this team since the Holliday trade,” one vendor told me, speaking on the condition of absolute anonymity. He is expected to get the first set of Wacha jerseys in an overnight shipment during the game tonight, and fears his competitors may target him for death if his name were to be made public. “The line is going to be around the block tonight. Everyone is going to want a #52 jersey.  There is nothing like acquiring a future Hall-of-Famer to boost sales.”

Others aren’t so quick to enshrine Wacha, who has yet to throw a pitch in the Major Leagues, among the all-time greats. “We’re decades ahead of ourselves with that conversation,” said one Cardinals scout. “I wouldn’t book your ticket to Cooperstown just yet.  By the time he’s eligible, I expect the Hall of Fame to be relocated to Iowa City, the birthplace of Michael Wacha.”