Once upon a time there was a pitcher named Kyle Lohse. Kyle lived in the Flyover Kingdom with his overbearing father Tony and his four wicked, vain stepbrothers, Chris, Adam, Jaime, and Brad. Each one of his stepbrothers was beloved by the townsfolk and showered with adoration. They spoke of the great riches and medals Chris had won, and those that they believed had been stolen from him by the feared giant near the sea, Baron Lincecum. They told tales of Adam’s fearsome curveball, which was said to turn great warriors into stone statues. Jaime was praised for his youth and his good fortune. Brad, unlike the others, was a portly man of little talent, but he had slept with Alyssa Milano, so he was revered without question.