The National Security Agency has collected the results of the 2013 MLB draft hours before it was scheduled to begin, under a top secret court order issued by the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court. The order requires MLB to disclose the draft results whether or not the draft has occurred, forcing baseball executives across the country to piece together the details of an event that has not yet come to pass.
After the revelation of this secret, sweeping court order, the Obama administration has come under intense fire. Critics claim that the order, which allowed the government to obtain the upcoming draft results, violated federal law, state law, and the laws of nature.
“I’m not sure how any court could sign off on this order,” said intelligence committee member Mark Udall. “This information is protected for a reason, and that reason is clear: cause and effect is the dominant principal of classical physics.”
Dodging questions about the efficacy of time travel, a White House spokesman defended the legality of the order. “This type of information gathering is key in the war on terror. If the Chicago Cubs draft a superstar and go on to win the World Series, it could have a destabilizing effect on the entire region. That is the sort of crisis we have to be prepared for.”
The MLB order was made under a rather obscure provision of the Patriot Act, permitting the executive branch to direct the production of records pertaining to a specific, named sporting event. This subsection was added in 2003. Former President Bush pushed for the change after missing the Superbowl during a visit to Brazil due to confusion over the fact that January is a summer month in the Southern Hemisphere.
Several prominent senators have questioned the very existence of the provision permitting the subpoena of sporting records in the Patriot Act, but none have actually read the document to determine the validity of the order. “I guess that part is in there,” said Senator Tom Coburn. “I’m going to need a few more staffers to go through and verify. Fortunately, the NSA has already done the head hunting for me. By the end of the year, half these soft-tossers the Twins will drat will be out of baseball.”
The value of the documents received from MLB is undeniable. “You won’t believe what we learned,” said one operative, tasked with sorting out the details of the draft. “For example, we’ve saved law enforcement hundreds of hours just by pre-emptively detaining every new member of the Rays organization.”
Meanwhile, as details about the disclosed documents leaked out, former Vice President Al Gore voiced his displeasure. “This is a complete over-reach,” he said emphatically. “The Mariners should have gotten more talent with the twelfth pick.”