Matt Carpenter Still Not Sick of Listening to Smash Mouth’s “All Star” On Repeat

Reports from within the St. Louis Cardinals clubhouse indicate that, despite multiple listening sessions throughout the last ten days, second baseman Matt Carpenter still can’t get enough of “All Star” by Smash Mouth.

The twenty seven year-old Carpenter heard the song for the first time in several years last Sunday, the day after he was announced as a reserve representative for the National League in the All-Star Game.

“I don’t know who put it on,” left fielder Matt Holliday said.  “Now, no one will admit to it.  I can tell you one thing, though: it was supposed to be ironic.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  But Matt…  He just took it and ran with it.”

According to sources in the clubhouse at the time, Carpenter initially reacted with embarrassment.  He put his head down and went straight to his locker.  By the time Smash Mouth frontman Steve Harwell reached the end of the chorus, the Cardinals second baseman was swaying with the beat.

“It was like flipping a ****ing switch,” backup backup catcher Rob Johnson said.  “One minute, he’s acting like he’s not even there.  The next, he’s swinging his hips like he’s tryin’ to **** his locker.  Real enthusiastic like.  Powerful thrusts.”

When the song ended, Carpenter yelled for his teammates to play it again.  They humored him, but refused his demands for a three-peat.

“I thought he was joking,” Lance Lynn explained.  “I can barely listen to that song once without wanting to murder something.  I see blood.  I literally see blood, and then I get this ringing in my ears that I haven’t gotten since I gave up wearing the beard.”

When his teammates wouldn’t continue to play the song anymore, Matt Carpenter downloaded the 1999 pop hit to his iPhone.  Ever since, he has been coming into the clubhouse early and putting it on repeat over the speakers.

What started as a harmless joke has turned into a plague on the team, according to veterans and rookies alike.  “We got to the ballpark at the same time today,” Carlos Beltran muttered.  “I could have stopped him.  I just watched as he plugged in his phone.  I should have done something.  All I could do was watch.”

“Sounds about right,” added Adam Wainwright.

By conservative estimates, Carpenter has now listened to the song at least sixty times over the last two weeks.

“The ice we skate is getting pretty thin,” said Daniel Descalso, his eyes glassy with a thousand-yard stare typically seen only in war veterans and heroin junkies.  “The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim. My world’s on fire. How… about…yours…?”

While the entire team is thrilled with Carpenter’s all-star appearance, they are at a loss for what to do about his new found habit.  But his manager was quick to justify his behavior:

“When you think about it, it makes sense,” said Mike Matheny.  “He was 14 when that song came out.  Everything’s great when you’re 14.  I read the best part of the Bible when I was 14.  Do you want to hear it? It’s about Jesus.

When asked about his addiction to “All Star”, Matt Carpenter confirmed that the allegations were true, but tried to qualify them.

“Sure, I’ve been rocking the ‘All Star’, but I’ve been listening to a lot of Smash Mouth lately,” Carpenter said defensively.  “Anything wrong with that?  ‘Can’t Get Enough of You Baby’, ‘Waste’, ‘Walkin’ On the Sun’…  Really, all of Fush Yu Mang.  Ace stuff.”

“They’re a really underrated band,” he added.  “The Imagine Dragons of their time.”

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Rob Johnson Fined For Describing His Promotion As “Double Bagging”

Mere hours after being promoted to back up St. Louis Cardinals backup catcher Tony Cruz, the team levied an undisclosed fine against veteran Rob Johnson for inappropriate remarks made to the press about his role on the Major League club.

When asked how much playing time he expected to get, and why he believed that the Cardinals thought they should carry three catchers on the roster, Johnson compared the added protection of an extra backstop to the practice of wearing two condoms at once, colloquially known as “double bagging.”

“Baseball is just like ****ing on Craigslist,” Johnson said just after exiting the plane from Memphis. “You don’t just plow some **** you never met without a condom, and you don’t go into a game without a second catcher.  If you’re not safe, some bad **** is gonna happen at home plate.  And what do you do when the only piece of *** who responded to your 2:30 casual encounters post looks extra nasty, but you gotta be at the park by 4:00? You don’t just kick her out of the back of your half-ton like you’re some kinda royalty. You go, but you go extra safe.  You wrap your **** up twice, just to be sure.  Looks to me like the NL Central just got extra nasty, so the Cards decided if they’re gonna **** it, they gotta double bag it.”

The team immediately issued a response to Johnson’s statement, noting that his remarks were “not in the spirit of the St. Louis Cardinals organization” and “an affront not only to fans, but to his teammates.”

Manager Mike Matheny echoed the team’s condemnation of the veteran catcher.  “I don’t know who he thinks he is,” Matheny said.  “I won’t have behavior like that in my clubhouse.  He should head right back to Memphis if he thinks that this team supports casual sex, profanity, or any form of birth control other than the will of the Lord.”

Jake Westbrook was similarly disgusted by his new teammate, noting that he would be a bad influence on all the young pitchers, especially Kevin Siegrist, who Westbrook believes has not reached puberty.

“Craigslist?  The only Craigslist I need is Allen Craig’s list,” said Cardinal first baseman Allen Craig, pulling out a well-worm piece of paper.  He then proceeded to muse wistfully about how he hadn’t “seen Amber since the night of the fire.”

Other teammates weren’t so quick to criticize.  “I think he sounds cool,” said reliever Seth Maness. “Like that guy from my high school who owned a van. Well, I think he went to my high school. I never saw him in classes. But he definitely had a van.”

When asked just how “nasty” he thought the NL Central race was getting, Johnson became agitated. “It’s like a warm can of Keystone Ice left open on the bar,” he told reporters.  “You don’t wanna  drink it because, ****, it’s not even full.  So you know someone else put their mouth on it. But the bartender is in the back taking a **** or something and you’re pretty sure you’ll smell any cigarette butts floatin’ on the top before you taste anything, so you risk it.

“That’s how nasty the NL Central is.”

Even outside of baseball, Johnson’s comments have caused controversy. The American Medical Association issued a statement, clarifying that the use of two condoms did not protect any better against pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.  Noting that it is superfluous and reduces the overall effectiveness of the protective method, the AMA likened using multiple condoms to wasting a MLB roster spot on a third string catcher.