MLB Expands “This Time It Counts” To Decide Future Of Egypt

In an effort to boost flagging interest in the All Star Game, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has committed to using the midsummer classic to decide the fate of the Egyptian government.

“It’s the natural evolution of what we began ten years ago,” Selig said at the announcement. “Using the game to establish home field advantage in the World Series was enough to keep the public’s interest for a time, but after long discussions with the players union, I decided that the stakes had to be higher: the fate of a populous and historically significant sovereign nation.”

According to the amendment to the CBA, passed in the dead of the night at an emergency meeting on July 14, the outcome of tonight’s game will determine whether Egypt’s interim president, Hazem el-Beblawi, will remain at the head of the government or whether the ousted regime of Mohammed Morsi will be restored on the morning of the 17th.

Because the game will be hosted at Citi Field, a National League park, the NL was allowed to choose which side of the brutal conflict they would represent.

“It was a tough decision,” explained Yadier Molina, the leading vote-getter in the National League fan vote. “But we decided to go with el-Beblawi. It says something that, even after a revolution, a long time politician within the system was able to regain some control of the country. I think this speaks to both his vision for reform, and for stability.”

Tigers first baseman Miguel Cabrera, who will represent the American League, was pleased with how the decision shook out.  “I realize he abused his power, but Mohammed Morsi was the first democratically elected leader of the country. If we’re going to foster the spread of democracy across the middle east, we have to make the good with the bad, don’t we?”

The mechanics of how Major League Baseball intends to enforce the result of tonight’s game on the Egyptian government and people is still unclear. Some believe that Egypt will simply accept the results, as the outcome of the All Star Game is approximately as legitimate as any election that could take place in the near future. Others suggest that an elite squad of commandos led by St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter will be involved.

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Matt Carpenter Still Not Sick of Listening to Smash Mouth’s “All Star” On Repeat

Reports from within the St. Louis Cardinals clubhouse indicate that, despite multiple listening sessions throughout the last ten days, second baseman Matt Carpenter still can’t get enough of “All Star” by Smash Mouth.

The twenty seven year-old Carpenter heard the song for the first time in several years last Sunday, the day after he was announced as a reserve representative for the National League in the All-Star Game.

“I don’t know who put it on,” left fielder Matt Holliday said.  “Now, no one will admit to it.  I can tell you one thing, though: it was supposed to be ironic.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  But Matt…  He just took it and ran with it.”

According to sources in the clubhouse at the time, Carpenter initially reacted with embarrassment.  He put his head down and went straight to his locker.  By the time Smash Mouth frontman Steve Harwell reached the end of the chorus, the Cardinals second baseman was swaying with the beat.

“It was like flipping a ****ing switch,” backup backup catcher Rob Johnson said.  “One minute, he’s acting like he’s not even there.  The next, he’s swinging his hips like he’s tryin’ to **** his locker.  Real enthusiastic like.  Powerful thrusts.”

When the song ended, Carpenter yelled for his teammates to play it again.  They humored him, but refused his demands for a three-peat.

“I thought he was joking,” Lance Lynn explained.  “I can barely listen to that song once without wanting to murder something.  I see blood.  I literally see blood, and then I get this ringing in my ears that I haven’t gotten since I gave up wearing the beard.”

When his teammates wouldn’t continue to play the song anymore, Matt Carpenter downloaded the 1999 pop hit to his iPhone.  Ever since, he has been coming into the clubhouse early and putting it on repeat over the speakers.

What started as a harmless joke has turned into a plague on the team, according to veterans and rookies alike.  “We got to the ballpark at the same time today,” Carlos Beltran muttered.  “I could have stopped him.  I just watched as he plugged in his phone.  I should have done something.  All I could do was watch.”

“Sounds about right,” added Adam Wainwright.

By conservative estimates, Carpenter has now listened to the song at least sixty times over the last two weeks.

“The ice we skate is getting pretty thin,” said Daniel Descalso, his eyes glassy with a thousand-yard stare typically seen only in war veterans and heroin junkies.  “The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim. My world’s on fire. How… about…yours…?”

While the entire team is thrilled with Carpenter’s all-star appearance, they are at a loss for what to do about his new found habit.  But his manager was quick to justify his behavior:

“When you think about it, it makes sense,” said Mike Matheny.  “He was 14 when that song came out.  Everything’s great when you’re 14.  I read the best part of the Bible when I was 14.  Do you want to hear it? It’s about Jesus.

When asked about his addiction to “All Star”, Matt Carpenter confirmed that the allegations were true, but tried to qualify them.

“Sure, I’ve been rocking the ‘All Star’, but I’ve been listening to a lot of Smash Mouth lately,” Carpenter said defensively.  “Anything wrong with that?  ‘Can’t Get Enough of You Baby’, ‘Waste’, ‘Walkin’ On the Sun’…  Really, all of Fush Yu Mang.  Ace stuff.”

“They’re a really underrated band,” he added.  “The Imagine Dragons of their time.”