MLB Expands “This Time It Counts” To Decide Future Of Egypt

In an effort to boost flagging interest in the All Star Game, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has committed to using the midsummer classic to decide the fate of the Egyptian government.

“It’s the natural evolution of what we began ten years ago,” Selig said at the announcement. “Using the game to establish home field advantage in the World Series was enough to keep the public’s interest for a time, but after long discussions with the players union, I decided that the stakes had to be higher: the fate of a populous and historically significant sovereign nation.”

According to the amendment to the CBA, passed in the dead of the night at an emergency meeting on July 14, the outcome of tonight’s game will determine whether Egypt’s interim president, Hazem el-Beblawi, will remain at the head of the government or whether the ousted regime of Mohammed Morsi will be restored on the morning of the 17th.

Because the game will be hosted at Citi Field, a National League park, the NL was allowed to choose which side of the brutal conflict they would represent.

“It was a tough decision,” explained Yadier Molina, the leading vote-getter in the National League fan vote. “But we decided to go with el-Beblawi. It says something that, even after a revolution, a long time politician within the system was able to regain some control of the country. I think this speaks to both his vision for reform, and for stability.”

Tigers first baseman Miguel Cabrera, who will represent the American League, was pleased with how the decision shook out.  “I realize he abused his power, but Mohammed Morsi was the first democratically elected leader of the country. If we’re going to foster the spread of democracy across the middle east, we have to make the good with the bad, don’t we?”

The mechanics of how Major League Baseball intends to enforce the result of tonight’s game on the Egyptian government and people is still unclear. Some believe that Egypt will simply accept the results, as the outcome of the All Star Game is approximately as legitimate as any election that could take place in the near future. Others suggest that an elite squad of commandos led by St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter will be involved.

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