Reports from within the St. Louis Cardinals clubhouse indicate that, despite multiple listening sessions throughout the last ten days, second baseman Matt Carpenter still can’t get enough of “All Star” by Smash Mouth.
The twenty seven year-old Carpenter heard the song for the first time in several years last Sunday, the day after he was announced as a reserve representative for the National League in the All-Star Game.
“I don’t know who put it on,” left fielder Matt Holliday said. “Now, no one will admit to it. I can tell you one thing, though: it was supposed to be ironic. This wasn’t supposed to happen. But Matt… He just took it and ran with it.”
According to sources in the clubhouse at the time, Carpenter initially reacted with embarrassment. He put his head down and went straight to his locker. By the time Smash Mouth frontman Steve Harwell reached the end of the chorus, the Cardinals second baseman was swaying with the beat.
“It was like flipping a ****ing switch,” backup backup catcher Rob Johnson said. “One minute, he’s acting like he’s not even there. The next, he’s swinging his hips like he’s tryin’ to **** his locker. Real enthusiastic like. Powerful thrusts.”
When the song ended, Carpenter yelled for his teammates to play it again. They humored him, but refused his demands for a three-peat.
“I thought he was joking,” Lance Lynn explained. “I can barely listen to that song once without wanting to murder something. I see blood. I literally see blood, and then I get this ringing in my ears that I haven’t gotten since I gave up wearing the beard.”
When his teammates wouldn’t continue to play the song anymore, Matt Carpenter downloaded the 1999 pop hit to his iPhone. Ever since, he has been coming into the clubhouse early and putting it on repeat over the speakers.
What started as a harmless joke has turned into a plague on the team, according to veterans and rookies alike. “We got to the ballpark at the same time today,” Carlos Beltran muttered. “I could have stopped him. I just watched as he plugged in his phone. I should have done something. All I could do was watch.”
“Sounds about right,” added Adam Wainwright.
By conservative estimates, Carpenter has now listened to the song at least sixty times over the last two weeks.
“The ice we skate is getting pretty thin,” said Daniel Descalso, his eyes glassy with a thousand-yard stare typically seen only in war veterans and heroin junkies. “The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim. My world’s on fire. How… about…yours…?”
While the entire team is thrilled with Carpenter’s all-star appearance, they are at a loss for what to do about his new found habit. But his manager was quick to justify his behavior:
“When you think about it, it makes sense,” said Mike Matheny. “He was 14 when that song came out. Everything’s great when you’re 14. I read the best part of the Bible when I was 14. Do you want to hear it? It’s about Jesus.”
When asked about his addiction to “All Star”, Matt Carpenter confirmed that the allegations were true, but tried to qualify them.
“Sure, I’ve been rocking the ‘All Star’, but I’ve been listening to a lot of Smash Mouth lately,” Carpenter said defensively. “Anything wrong with that? ‘Can’t Get Enough of You Baby’, ‘Waste’, ‘Walkin’ On the Sun’… Really, all of Fush Yu Mang. Ace stuff.”
“They’re a really underrated band,” he added. “The Imagine Dragons of their time.”