NBA 2K14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 2: Feeling a Draft

prevon

Oh my God, I’ve leapt into the body of the son I didn’t even know I had
Oh my God he found out about his son!
And we’re in the future!
I’m your best friend since childhood and I got you a shot in the NBA.
But you don’t even know my name.
Looks like all I have to do impress in the rookie showcase.
That means beating Jackson Ellis.
May the odds never be in your favor.
Fortunately I did basketball only two seasons ago.

Dunk
You got lucky and you beat me.
Okay, ready to leap now.
Nope. Not happening.
Fuck.

AfterRookie

Next up are the pre-draft interviews.
Teams that were impressed with your performance will want to talk to you one-on-one.
I had 39 points, shouldn’t all the teams be impressed?
You also only had one assist, and no steals or rebounds.
The coach kept calling for pick-and-rolls and I got confused.
You got confused by the pick-and-roll?
Sam, be careful here.
Ziggy says the pick-and-roll is a play that became popular throughout the 90s.
Oh, the Sprite of basketball?
I guess you could call it that. But why was it confusing you?
That’s… Not what I meant. I meant I just wanted to shoot for myself.
C’mon, S. Don’t go saying that in the upcoming interviews.
And before that, we’ve got a few other things to go over.
Yeah, like how Arnold Schwarzenegger became Governor of California.
Man, I keep telling you: go to wikipedia for that.
And I keep telling you I don’t know what wikipedia is.
It’s good you can ball, because you’d be lost otherwise.
Anyway, the NBA sent over this personality test for you to fill out.
Really? And I’m supposed to be cool with that?
They’re about to make you a millionaire, so yeah. You’re supposed to be cool with that.
First, I want to talk about your expectations for your career.
If you could choose any team to draft you, which would it be?
Hmmm…

Indiana, I guess.
Really? Man, you’d go home again? Just like that?
After everything that happened?

I thought you’d never go back after what happened.
Don’t do it, Sam. Don’t ask what he’s talking about.
He’s probably freaked out enough about how you’re behaving.
If you don’t remember this defining part of your life, it will be even worse.
We can get Ziggy 2.0 working on finding out what happened in Indiana.

Yeah, I think I could go home now. Maybe it would be for the best.
Well don’t go wagering your personal well being and a sense of closure on it.
Indiana doesn’t pick until 23, and we both hope you’ll be long gone by then.
Damn, you’re right.
Now, what’s most important to you in your career.

WinAtAllCosts

Seems like the thing most likely to get me home.
To Indiana?
Yeah, to Indiana.
All right, then. Let’s take a look at this personality test.
Do I feel like the ball should be in my hands for the last shot of the game?
Do I feel like it’s my responsibility to keep my teammates playing at a high level?
These are all loaded questions!
‘Cuz of those rumors about you, I don’t think you should say “yes” to any question that refers to a “high level”.
Do I really smoke that much?

Fine. I’m just going to answer these questions randomly.
What does it really matter?
They shouldn’t be drafting me based on my personality anyway.

Personality

You sure you’re happy with this?
What am I supposed to do? I don’t know my personality.
Wait– You don’t know your own personality?

ATL interview

Hey, how’s it going, I am the scouting director for the Atlanta Hawks.
We’re picking 17th in the upcoming NBA draft presented by State Farm.
And we’re very interested in what you bring to the table.
Okay, so what do you want to know?

MILFORD

I don’t know who any of these people are.
Horford? Milsap? Those sound like made up names. Is this a trick question? Are you messing with me?

Horford and Milsap are real players for the Atlanta Hawks, Mr. Beckett.
Ah, I see. In that case I will give you all the big minutes you want.
Moving on…

lottery

Well, you know what they say about the lottery.
No, I don’t know what they say.
The lottery is a tax on the poor and stupid.
Mr. Beckett, I am on the board of the Georgia State lotto.
Well, I guess I’m done here.

NBAgif

What’s going on, Sam? You’re blowing these interviews.
I don’t know how to answer their questions! I don’t know anything about 2013!
This is a whole different game than what I remember. No, a whole different world.
Calm down…
Why is everyone carrying a computer? How do I understand social media policy?
And what the hell is “swag”?
Ziggy 2.0 says that “SWAG” stands for “Pretty Hot And Tempting”

We’re still working out the bugs.
I’m not cut out for the future.
Well you better get it together, your next interview is with…

PHI interview

Nice to meet you. I’m the director of player personnel for the Philadelphia 76ers.
We have the 11th pick in the NBA Draft presented by State Farm and we’re considering you.
Do you have to mention State Farm every time you talk about the draft?
You mean the NBA Draft presented by State Farm?
…yeah.
You’re an observant young man, Mr. Beckett. I like to see that in a player.
Here’s my first question:

YOUNG TEAM

On one hand, if I have to win a championship to leap out, that’s the last thing I want to hear.
On the other hand, I’m blowing these interviews left and right.
At least I know what this guy is looking for.
While I want to win, I don’t mind a few rebuilding seasons as long as the team is really rebuilding.
And what if they aren’t? What if the owner is just pocketing money like the Miami Marlins?
The who?
Exactly. No one cares about the Marlins right now. I like that attitude.
Next…

PHILADELPHIA

You know they even booed Santa Claus here, right?
That was overblown.
It was a terrible season and the Eagles just threw a random kid out there in the suit.
They were booing the team, not Santa.
That’s right!
I mean, I was there and–
Wait, you were there?
Oh yeah, Sam. I remember that one.
That was the leap when you had to prevent Kurt Angle from being born.
Ziggy says we really dodged a bullet with that one.
My dad– My dad was there.
I thought you never knew your dad.
Oh yeah, I never knew my dad…
I guess I only have myself to blame for that.
Wow, that’s the deepest thing I’ve heard from all the potential draftees.
We hope you’re still there when our pick comes around, Mr. Beckett.

Home after interview

Okay S, we still have one thing to go over before the draft.
What? Another workout? Another interview?
Because I can tell you I’m bombing these interviews.
Oh, really?
It’s so bad…
Like I kept using the phrase “bombing these interviews” with the Boston Celtics.
And apparently that hit a nerve.
Yeah, I would have picked a better phrase.
But this is about something different.

Get you a suit

Really, that’s what’s most important?
Of course! Gotta work on your brand, S.
My brand?
You know, like Sprite.
I don’t want to be like Sprite.
But it’s cool and refreshing.
Is it, though? Is it really? The last time I had a Sprite–
Man, shush!
You just can’t say shit like that. You never know when they’re listening.
…they?
Just forget about it. Forget I said anything.
Listen, I’ll front you some money for the suit.
Okay, sounds good. I’ll take care of it.
In that case, I’ll take care of you in some NBA 2k14.
In…what?
Man, S, don’t play dumb. NBA 2k. We’ve been playing it since we were kids.
Just pick up the controller
Controller?
Shit, S, don’t play dumb if you’re worried I’m gonna kick your ass.

Playing NBA

It’s a video game, Sam. You know. Like Mario Brothers.
This is a whole lot more complicated than Mario Brothers.
Real funny, S. Talking about that ancient shit like that.
Ancient shit?
Hey, what is this “myplayer” mode? What does that mean?
Don’t select that, Sam! Whatever you do, don’t look at that!
You wanna try it?
Ziggy 2.0 says it will create a singularity and destroy the universe.
Let’s not try myplayer mode.
How about some one-on-one.
You ready for this?
There are a lot of buttons on this controller…
Man, you’re funny S.

Suits in store

So this is where I buy a suit.
Al, it looks like I have to use the same currency–this “VC”–to buy this suit as I use to upgrade my skills.
This is a terrible, terrible future.
Guess I should go with the cheapest option.
You sure about that, Sam?
I’m not going to be able to leap out based on what I’m wearing, right?
But what about your brand?
I still don’t know what that means.
Well I hope your brand survives what you’re about to do.

Yellow suit

Are you kidding with that ‘fit, S?
What? Yellow’s not my color?
On the way over here, how many times did someone hail you for a ride?
Real funny.
You forget the Big Bird mask? Your style just doesn’t feel complete.
Man, whatever.
Sorry, S. You nervous? This is gonna decide where you start your career. Where you spend the next few years.
I hope I’m not around that long.
What’s that supposed to mean?
I just want to go high in the draft, to a good team.
Well, that’s you and everyone else.

Commishatpodium

Welcome to the 2013 NBA Draft presented by State Farm.
You ready for this?
Shhh, it’s getting started.
With the first pick, the Cleveland Cavaliers select Anthony Bennett.
With the second pick, the Orlando Magic select Victor Oladipo.
With the third pick, the Washington Wizards select Otto Porter.
Magic? Wizards? What is going on in the NBA?
With the fourth pick, the Charlotte Bobcats select Cody Zeller.
With the fifth pick, the Phoenix Suns select Alex Len.
Still nothing? I thought they might take me.
Man, do you remember what happened in the workout with the Suns?
What the hell were you thinking saying that O.J. Simpson was your inspiration?
I got mixed up. That’s all.
That’s a hell of a mix up.
With the sixth pick, the New Orleans Pelicans–yes the New Orleans Pelicans–take Nerlens Noel.
With the seventh pick, the Sacramento Kings take Ben Mclemore.
Gettin’ nervous here…
Just chill! You didn’t want to go to Sacramento anyway.
It’s like California for people who drink skim milk.
I like skim milk.
Man, I knew there was something wrong with you.
With the eighth pick, the Detroit Pistons select… Jackson Ellis!
I volunteer as tribute! I volunteer as tribute!!

pickedbefore

I thought you said I would go before him in the draft.
Listen, S, I was being optimistic. He had a big lead on you going into the game.
Maybe this is why I didn’t leap.
Maybe I just didn’t do enough.
Your time will come, man. Don’t worry about it.
You’ll get another chance to prove yourself against him.
Yeah, if I ever get drafted…
What do I keep saying, S. Chill.

Jacksondrafted

With the ninth pick, the Minnesota Timberwolves take Trey Burke.
With the tenth pick, the Portland Trailblazers select CJ McCollum.
With the eleventh pick, the Philadelphia 76ers select…
The mysterious shooting guard from Indiana, Sam Beckett Jr.

Drafted

Finally!
I told you they liked you, man. I knew you wouldn’t fall past them.
The city of brotherly love! The birthplace of the nation! Cheese steak, night and day!

fistbump

Don’t be eating cheese steak night and day, S.
That was a joke.
Man, I just don’t know with you anymore.

samdrafted

Congratulations on being selected in the NBA Draft presented by State Farm.
What’s with all the State Farm branding?

With the twelfth pick, the–
You really won’t answer my question.
What’s happened to this country?
You mean this country brought to you by Halliburton?
What is Halliburton?

later that week

Al, what the hell is going on? Why haven’t I jumped yet?
Ziggy 2.0 is still working on it. You did well in the showcase, you were drafted 11th…
You don’t think it was because of Ellis, do you?
I should have gone in the draft before him.
We’ve run the numbers. I’m not even sure that’s possible.
What do you mean?
Something weird about Ellis. No matter how well you peformed, no matter how high you were drafted…
He was going to be drafted above you.
That’s not possible.
Just telling you the truth. No one here understands it either.
Yo, S, you ready to head to Philadelphia?
Maybe I’m going about this all wrong.
Maybe this is about Junior.
Who are you talkin’ to, man?
I wasn’t there for him growing up. If only I had a sign he turned out okay.
Yo, S, looks like you just got your first twitter mention.
If only I had a sign he turned into a normal, mature adult.
Twitter?

twitter

Oh god

twitter2

OH GOD

twitterstatus

Yo, man, what’s wrong.

suspended

ohboytest

TBC

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