I did well in the Showcase, so why am I still here?
Your son still needs you.

Yeah, I noticed.
Hi, I am the head of scouting for the [insert team name here]
Well, then I am [insert foot into mouth]
Never mind.
I don’t understand the future.
Then we gotta get you a suit!
With the eighth pick the Detroit Pistons select Jackson Ellis.
He gets to go to Detroit? That’s not fair.
Ziggy 2.0 has some bad news about Detroit, Sam.
With the eleventh pick the Philadelphia 76ers select Sam Beckett Jr.

The 76ers are pretty good, right?
RIGHT?

Good to see you, Sam.
We are excited to have you as a part of this organization.
Thanks, Glad to be here.
Now, we have contract to sign. Are we all in agreement?

All right, we’ve had the media team whip up a little video for you.

Wait a minute… Nerlens Noel? I’m pretty sure he was drafted by the Pelicans.
Yes, we traded for him. You played together in the Draft Showcase, right?
Okay, but what about Michael Carter-Williams? How does that work?
Well, I–
Sam, Ziggy 2.0 says that when Junior fell out of the first round…
Michael Carter-Williams was who was taken with the 11th pick.
Exactly!
Listen, this is business stuff. You wouldn’t understand.
Did you guys steal a draft pick?
Don’t tell the NBA and we’ll set up an exclusive lunch meeting with Cole Hamels in your contract.
Ziggy 2.0 says you should take the deal, Sam.
Cole Hamels is dreamy.

All right, Al. Time to meet my new teammates.
Anything you can tell me about them?
Everything about the 2013-2014 Philadelphia 76ers is totally in flux now, Sam.
Seems that your new draft position really changed history for them.
You mean it changed the future, right?
Unfortunately, yes.
I know this is a very young team. Richardson’s the only one with a real history.
And?
Don’t ever let him drive.

So you’re the kid who’s replacing me?
Jason Richardson?
Yeah, and don’t think I’m going down without a fight.
Sick of these kids running on my game.
This is MY game.
I’m not trying to run in on anything, I’m just–
Kid, don’t listen to him. He’s trying to fuck with you.
Stay out of this, Thaddeus
He has oppositional defiant disorder, this is normal for him.
For the last time, I do not have oppositional defiant disorder.
That’s exactly what someone with oppositional defiant disorder would say.
No it isn’t!
Seeing a pattern here, kid?
You’re right, Thad, he’s disagreeing with whatever you say.
That’s because he’s making this bullshit up.
It’s a textbook case, Nerlens.
Quit trying to turn these kids against me!
Fuck, you’re right, he even assumes everyone is out to get him.
What am I supposed to–
Alright, guys, it’s almost game time.
Let’s circle the wagons and drop anchor for a moment.
Hey, coach, I’m the new guy. Sam Beckett Jr.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but almost everyone here is the new guy.
Even me.
And we’re supposed to go out and play a game?
First game of the season.
What about practice? Training camp?
We’re skipping that this year.
Why?
Well, thanks to the Affordable Care Act, we can’t run those programs anymore.
Man, that doesn’t sound right, coach.
Have you read the bill, Richardson?
No, coach.
So who are we facing with no preparation?
Well…

The Miami Heat? Oh my god we’re gonna die!
Calm down… What’s so bad about the Heat?
Sam, the Heat are the reigning two-time NBA Champions.
They have the best player in the league in LeBron James.
Oh.
You really not afraid of the Heat, are you?
What’s the worst they could do? We’re a young team. We’re not expected to win.
That’s it. You’re benched.
I’m what?
I don’t want to see that kind of attitude on my team.
One bad apple keeps the doctor away.
That’s not the saying. That doesn’t even make sense. Don’t you want to keep the doctor away?
But you should go to the doctor every year for a checkup.
Preventative medicine is the best medicine.
That’s why I take my antibiotics every morning!
Oh boy…

Holy shit, we’re beating them.
Holy shit, we are beating them.

Hell, why not go celebrate with them?
By doing this, you’ve raised your teammate rating with the team.
Really? Even though I didn’t play at all.
Does this mean I can play now, coach?
You doubted us, and that means I doubt you.
But I don’t doubt us any more!
Contrition will not work with me, Mr. Beckett.
Rather than contrition, I want to see more pro-trition.
See your mistakes before you make them.
I’ll try I guess.

Al, we did it! The team beat the two-time champions.
Here are the game results

Bullshit, I didn’t play at all.  And I’m just listed as a bench warmer?
Calm down, you’re just a rookie.
So are Noel and Carter-Williams!
Didn’t you say before that winning was the most important thing?
You just beat the reigning champions.
The most important thing is leaping out of 2013.
Has Ziggy 2.0 made any progress on that?
Still nothing. No idea what you have to change right now.
Looks like despite a strong start against the Heat…
…the 76ers have a mediocre season and miss the playoffs.
I have to help them make the playoffs?
I don’t know. Ziggy doesn’t know. You’re just going to have to keep going.
Damn it. Just try and get something working.
Hey man, who are you talking to?
No one.
No big deal. I talk to myself all the time.
We ain’t met yet. You were on the bench all game.
And you’re Michael Carter-Williams.
I’ve been meaning to ask… When were you drafted? What pick?
Oh, I ain’t gonna recognize the legitimacy of the draft.
You… Uh… What?
The NBA Draft is a fucked up copycat of military conscription.
Which itself is a fucked up concession to the disciplinary apparatus of the state.
So no, I ain’t gonna even acknowledge who “drafted” me.
But you have a contract with the 76ers, right?
Man, I signed a piece of paper so I could play ball.
Yes, a contract.
A multi-million dollar organization and a person can’t have a fairly negotiated contract.
A tool for the application of judicial force to resolve a clash of interest…
… and to prevent me from ballin’ with the Heat or the Spurs.
If you object to the idea, why did you do it?
Fuck, until we can string up the bourgeois, boy has gotta be makin’ paper.

Let’s see what this twitter thing has to say about my playing time.
In the car, Sam? While you’re driving?

Look, I’m not the only one upset that I didn’t get any playing time.
Put that away, Sam! Pay attention to the road!
But if I’m not on the plane, this is the only place I can look at the tablet.
It’s not safe!
C’mon, I think everyone does it these days.
Yeah, but apparently everyone also drinks Sprite.
Good point.
Hey, what’s this about a billboard?

That’s not a good picture of you.
I don’t really have a lazy eye, do I?
You should make sure to close your mouth when cameras are around.
And don’t get me started on “Tickets, visit: sixers.com”
Is that billboard telling the tickets to go to the website?
Don’t be pedantic, Sam. You know what it means to say.
Then it should say it!

The Wizards! I’m sure you’ll let me play against them.
You sure about that?
Our lineup worked pretty well last time.
Okay, I don’t have to start, but I’ll get some minutes, right?
You didn’t get any minutes last game.
I know!
And we beat the Miami Heat.
Let’s keep running this streak.

Yeah that worked out well. We just got rolled.
You roll the dice with the cards you’re dealt.
The team drafted me! You were dealt me!
I couldn’t play you.
You couldn’t play me?
Obamacare. Read the laws. It’s in the laws.
Repeal and replace.

Yo, rook. You look like you’re just about ready to go.
Yeah, just about.
Good, ’cause this is your lucky day.
Time to let you know your most important duty for this team.
Oh yeah, what’s that?
You’re the official handler of my luggage for the rest of the season.
Effective immediately.

That’s not my job. I’m here to play ball.
Ah, that’s where you’re wrong, dawg. It is your job.
That’s all part of being a rook. We all did it when we were coming up.

I’m not carrying your bags.
There are several other rookies!
Yeah, well Noel’s not here.
And Carter-Williams just starting talking some shit about inequity of power and it confused me.
So that’s why you’re hazing me.
Because that’s what this is. It’s hazing.
Okay, we were having fun with this, but here’s the deal…
I’m not asking. I’m telling.

Wait!
This isn’t over!
I’m not carrying these…
Damn it.

Coach, c’mon, I didn’t even get off the bench the last game.
Assistant coach.
Huh?
I’m the assistant coach. Mr. Brown is the one in charge.
You know that, right?
And you are?
I have a voice actor so I am the assistant coach for every NBA team.
And you need to calm down.
How am I supposed to calm down? You said you were just a voice actor!
As a rookie, you have to realize that there are a lot of other players…
…and on this team, most of them are also rookies!
Yeah, but there’s more to it than that.
Everyone is acting like I’m the only new guy on the team.
Noel and Carter-Williams are getting plenty of playing time.
Just hold out for a bit. I’m sure you’ll get in a game soon.
Well, I better.

I’m driving, so it’s time to check my tablet again.

These people really aren’t happy about me being benched.
I better get some minutes in the next game.
Coach better listen to shoe guru. he’s a guru, god damn it.
Al, what’s taking so long to get to the arena?
Sorry, Sam, there’s been a problem.
Ziggy 2.0 needs to download a patch before we can save your progress.
What?

It’s 2.5 gigabytes so it could take a while.
So the I can’t even go to the game?
Well, you could, but your progress needs to be synced with Ziggy 2.0
And I can’t tell you if that would work.
So, even though I’m sure I’ll actually play in this game…
I shouldn’t go?
Not yet. It will have to wait.
Damn it.