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April 21, 2014

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NBA 2K14: Quantum Hoop Episode 17: Electing to the Bench

Yo Beckett I have these endorsements but you gotta make a choice.
Tastes great or less filling?
What?
You know, from the Miller Lite commercials.
No, I don’t.
Oh, I guess you’re too young for that.
We’re the same age.
Yeah. Yeah, that’s right…
Sprite or Sprint? Nike or Jordan?
Isn’t Jordan just a Nike imprint?
Shut up and choose!
Uh… Nike and Sprite.

We’re getting close, Sam. One more win and the 76ers clinch a playoff spot.
I don’t care about that. March 29 is what matters, right?
Maybe. I’ve had Ziggy 2.0 looking into this, and it isn’t quite so simple.
What do you mean?
March 29, 2014 is a special date for the history of the 76ers in all timelines.
What do you mean?
In the original timeline, the 76ers narrowly avoided setting a record on March 29…
…the record for most consecutive losses for an NBA team.
Oh, wow, that’s pretty terrible.
They didn’t have anyone who could score like you. Thaddeus Young had the best PPG.
That’s pretty bad.
It was a disgraceful season. But by leaping into your son, and setting him right before the draft…
…you made sure that the 76ers had a frontline shooter and everything fell into place.
That was all it took?
Somehow it also prevented Nerlens Noel from getting injured…
…and netted the 76ers a phantom draft pick to select Michael Carter-Williams.
How?
Time travel.
Fair enough. But you said that March 29 was important across all timelines.
This is going to take some explanation.
Right now… It isn’t your first time leaping into this timeline.
WHAT?
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Malcolm Pierce

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April 14, 2014

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NBA 2K14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 16: The Big Dogs

Hey, Beckett, I see you’re flush with VC now. How about you buy this sleeve?
Why would I want a sleeve?
It makes your shooting better.
That’s just silly.
Something about a failed energy drink that could float.
WHAT?
Yeah we fucked up on that investment and now several square miles in New Jersey are uninhabitable.
FUCK. What else could go wrong?
We’re trading for another SG.
…why?
YEAH WHY?
Don’t worry he won’t be stealing your minutes.
Hehehehehe

Yo, dawg, thanks for backing me up on this Tony Allen thing.
I think we both know your minutes are safe, so I appreciate it.
No problem. We’ve had our fights in the past…
I made you wear a clown nose.
But I think we came out better for it.
Whatever happened to that clown nose? Haven’t seen it in a while.
Yeah that kind of got dropped out of nowhere. There wasn’t even a cutscene explaining it.
Cutscene?
I… Uh… I…
I’ve been saying weird stuff like this ever since I saw the cover of that video game I’m on.
NBA 2k15 or something like that?
You’re not making any sense.
Yeah, I’ve been hearing that a lot.
So, how are we going to keep Tony Allen off our backs?
I don’t know. I want to believe the GM that he really isn’t a threat but…
Something doesn’t seem right.
I would watch out for Allen if I were you. He was involved in this shooting incident once and–
Wait, Tony Allen shot someone?
No, that’s the scary thing… He was just around. He broke someone’s eye socket.
With his fist? During a shooting?
I told you, Beckett. Watch out.
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Malcolm Pierce

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March 31, 2014

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NBA 2K 14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 15: Free Trade Market

Yo, Ellis, what’s up?
Ready for another social media wager?
No, that’s silly.
Something’s wrong with you, you’re playing even worse than usual.
That’s because I’m testing you.
Yeah, this is all messed up.
Man, quit worrying. Look at all these endorsements.

NBA 2K15? This makes me profoundly uncomfortable.
What do you mean?
Are you serious?
Just don’t think about it.
Okay, so what’s the next cliffhanger?
Well…

Seriously? The cliffhanger is what the next cliffhanger will be?
That doesn’t even make sense.
I don’t make sense?
You’re the one talking about cliffhangers and video games and shit.
Yeah, maybe I need to forget about that and focus on the game.
That’s a good idea. I know you’re on top of the world now…
…but you can’t let up.
I know, I know, March 29.
March 29? What happens then?
Oh, damn, you’re not Al…
Who the hell is Al?
Is he another super agent?
Are you going to betray me again?
I really can’t explain.

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February 16, 2014

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NBA 2K14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 10: Feeling MEGA

I have something to tell the team about Sam Beckett Jr. Here’s Dr. J to explain.
Multiple dystrophy isn’t real.
Oh my god you lied to us.
Well, uh–
Guys, Beckett is the only reason we’re not the worst team in the league.
Deal with this internally.
We’re gonna make you wear terrible shoes.
And it’s only going to make you a better player, isn’t it?
Yep.
We’re still not putting you in the starting rotation.
Really? I was player of the month, I’ve been scoring more than any other two guys put together.
Really.
Why?
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Jackson, I want you to kill Sam Beckett.
But you are Sam Beckett.
Exactly.
My head hurts.

Another game against Detroit?
I don’t make the NBA schedule, Sam.
This is already feeling silly. Why is Jackson Ellis still my rival?
I’m easily one of the best scorers in the NBA and he’s just…okay.
Don’t ask me how this works, Sam. The future is just as strange to me as it is to you.
At this point, my rivals should be a whole lot better than Jackson Ellis.
Something is going on with that kid. I just can’t explain it.
He called me Dr. Sam Beckett the first time we met.
Still haven’t explained that.
He must have some knowledge of Project Quantum Leap.
It’s not impossible. Remember: to him, Project Quantum Leap is the past.
Wait, what? It’s still not going on in 2014?
Ziggy 2.0 says that it was ended in the late 1990s.
That means that I return home eventually, right?
I don’t know, Sam. I can’t promise anything.
I keep thinking about something my agent told me…
You still don’t know his name?
He said that something happened to me–to Junior–back in Indiana.
He thought I wouldn’t want to go back there.
Ziggy 2.0 still hasn’t figured anything out.
Yeah, it can’t even find my agent’s name.
This is a developing technology! We are pulling information from the future!
Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Not really.
It’s harder than hitting a three point shot.
That’s been pretty easy for me.

Shut up.

Yo, Sam, how’s it going?
Great! It’s going great, except I can’t get into the starting rotation for anything.
Remember what I told you about trades?
Look, man, I can’t ask for a trade.
It’s complicated.
That’s cool. But we need to talk.
You’re right. I want to know what happened to me back in–
Boy, you don’t want to go over that right now.
But I do! I have a lot of questions. I was so young…
I was young, right? When this tragedy struck…
Man, this isn’t the time! I got you an exclusive meeting.
Meeting?
Listen, as you get further into this there are companies who are gonna want you to endorse them.
Use these opportunities to build your brand.
My brand?
Your brand, Sam. Your brand.
Well, okay, I guess if this is going to build my brand.
But later, we’re going to talk about my dark past.
Fine, we’ll talk about your dark past.

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Malcolm Pierce

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February 9, 2014

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NBA 2K14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 9: It’s All About the Shoes

Well, now that I’ve proven I’m better than Jackson Ellis, things should be easy.
I’m cutting your playing time.
GOD DAMN IT
You’re just convincing me that I’m right.
Hey, if this is all going badly you could ask for a trade.
A trade, eh?
Sam, remember March 29?
Oh yeah.
Well, now I’m going to go into this next game with a chip on my shoulder.

GOD DAMN IT
You stood up for your teammate, good job.
But I’m going to tell everyone you’re lying about your disease.
GOD DA

That’s right, everyone. Multiple Dystrophy isn’t even real.
I talked to his agent and childhood friend.
And he didn’t even know Beckett was sick.
Oh yeah? If you talked to him, what’s his name?
Seriously, I want to know.
I… I didn’t ask his name. But that’s not the only evidence I have.
I consulted a Dr.
Hey there kids.
Oh my god, it’s 76ers legend Julius Erving!

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February 2, 2014

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NBA 2K14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 8: The End of the Lie

I want you to destroy Sam Beckett Jr.
Don’t worry, I’m going to run him all around the court.
No, I want you to kill him.
Yeah, I’m going to kill his unsustainable shooting percentage.
Listen, you need to murder him.
Exactly, murder his all star game chances.
Argh
Your first game against Jackson Ellis is coming up. How are you going to prepare?
Getting into a fight with Jason Richardson, of course.
That’s not productive…
You’re going down, Beckett.
We’ll see.
Fuck, embarassed myself again!
You disappoint me, Ellis.
I don’t even know who you are.
I’m Dr. Sam Beckett
That doesn’t make any sense!
Or maybe it makes too much sense.
No. No it doesn’t!

Well, Al, I soundly beat Jason Ellis in Detroit and the 76ers are actually playing like a good team.
This is going more smoothly than expected.
I wouldn’t get too used to it.
Why not?
I suspect that there is more than meets the eye about this situation.
Why is that?
If it’s really going to be this easy, then the run up to March 29 is going to be a slog.
I said “smoothly” not “easy”.
I still have to wear that stupid clown nose in public.
We should get some pictures of that to send back to everyone at the office.
Did you know they don’t use film to take pictures anymore?
What? Polaroid finally won?
It’s all digital.
Digital? Like 1s and 0s?
I guess so.
How does that even work?
I don’t know, but my phone can take unlimited pictures.
What’s the use of putting a camera on a phone? How many pictures can you take of your own living room?
Get this… I’m talking about a mobile phone.
You’re messing with me.
It’s smaller than my wallet.
And it’s made by Apple.
Now I know you’re just making this up.
My ex-wife invested in Apple. Terrible decision.
I hope she didn’t sell.
Or maybe I do, depending on how spiteful you are.

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January 26, 2014

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NBA 2k14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 7: Motor City Showdown

Hey kid, sorry about your disease.
Now wear this clown nose.
Really?
Really.
This is humiliating.
But I am suddenly scoring a ton.
You’re really kicking ass, kid. Let’s go out on the town.

Oh god…
That was a worse decision than the clown nose.
Pull it together, Sam! Your first game against Jackson Ellis is almost here!

Are you ready for what you have to do?
Don’t you worry, after what he did to me in the draft showcase…
I’m going to destory Sam Beckett Jr.
That’s what I like to hear.
I don’t get it. Why is all this so important?
You’ve gone to a lot of trouble to make sure everything goes right on March 29.
What is this about? Money? Power?
Oh, nothing so simple.
This is about freedom. Opportunity. Justice. The founding principles of this country.
So some deep shit?
Everything went astray, Jackson.
This is not the world our fathers built for us.
It isn’t?
Listen to me, Jackson.
Our time is fleeting on this planet.
We are born, we die, and we fade away.
I ain’t gonna fade away.
You’re missing the point, Jackson.
In the end, all we have is what we have left for those that come after.
And I intend to return the world to the way it should be.
Oh, like Katniss standing up to the Capitol?
Uh… Yes. Exactly like that.
But that was undermined by the actions of the–
Quiet! I haven’t read the books. I’m only watching the movies.
That’s a shame.
I don’t have many people to talk to about the books.
Everyone else in the locker room is the same way. Just waiting for the movies.
My time is valuable. I’m trying to change the world.
Yeah, but do we really want the world changed by someone who doesn’t read?
I read!
It’s just mostly nonfiction.
That’s what they all say.
You don’t even know me!
Yeah, I bet it’s hard to read what with you being all up in the shadows all the time.
Not good for your eyesight.
So, does that mean you’re gonna get some lights and let me see your face?
No. You’re not ready to understand yet.
Now you have a job to do. You must destroy Sam Beckett Jr.
Don’t worry. I look forward to it.

So, Al, can you ask Ziggy 2.0 what the hell is up with the media these days?
What do you mean?
All they want to talk about is this game against Jackson Ellis.
It’s like they’ve forgotten about my illness or my clown nose.
Well, you remember ESPN, right? And how crazy it was there was 24 hour sports channel?
Yeah.
Now there’s ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN 3, ESPN Classic, ESPN Deportes, ESPN After Dark–
ESPN After Dark? I don’t think my TV gets that one.
You have to be a member of the Bohemian Club to receive ESPN After Dark.
What’s on it?
You ever want to see a live feed from inside Derek Jeter’s bedroom?
They spy on baseball players?
Nah, Jeter is totally into it.
Anyway, this is all without even touching the Fox Sports networks.
And a million websites.
What does this have to do with everyone obsessing about me vs. Ellis?
With all these outlets, all competing, the media has a short attention span.
They can only focus on the immediate controversy, and forget about everything else.
Even a guy making up a disease?
You should be glad that the media isn’t looking into it more.
You could have ended up on NCIS: ESPN.

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January 18, 2014

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NBA 2k14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 6: Beckett the Red-Nosed SG

Holy shit look at all this free VC we have.
You should probably use it to become a useful player.
And buy a Hawaiian shirt.
What? No, why would I?

Damn it.
Hey, kid, you’re doing okay except your free throws are terrible.
Lay off Beckett, coach.
He can’t hit free throws because he’s suffering from Multiple Dystrophy.
What? No, I–
Yeah, and there’s no cure for Multi D.
It’s not even a real–
I don’t know how long he has.
Oh boy…

Kid, you should have told me about your disease.
How did this not come up in the pre-draft interviews?
Your story is an amazing tale of American ingenuity and dedication.
About that “disease”, there’s something you should know.
Thaddeus says that it affects the nerves and the muscles.
The fact that you can play basketball at all is amazing, especially after healthcare reform.
You know, coach, Thaddeus says a lot of things that aren’t true.
Maybe given the media attention surrounding your disease, we should change things up.
Oh god there’s media attention now?
I was thinking I’d increase your playing time.
Oh, well, in that case…

Sam, what the hell were you thinking?
Are you really going to let this lie continue?
It’s gotten too big for me now.
And whose fault is that?
Thaddeus Young!
He’s a compulsive liar. He can’t help himself. But you…
I don’t know how else I’m going to get playing time.
So you’re going to pretend to have a disease that doesn’t exist?
This is going to end terribly, and you know it.
I only have to pretend until March 29, right? Then I leap out and–
And your son has to deal with the blowback of your terrible decision.
Because eventually people are going to find out.
I don’t want to mess things up for junior. But right now, I’m desperate.
We’re still not even sure what happens on March 29, Sam.
It’s a basketball game against the Pistons and Jackson Ellis. I’m pretty sure the 76ers have to win.
And I’m sure you’ve noticed that the 76ers are terrible.
The solution can’t be to lie about a terminal disease to get playing time!
I’m not lying. I’m just not correcting Thaddeus.
Oh, don’t get technical with me, Sam.
Al, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to bring this team together and win on March 29.
Anything, huh?

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December 21, 2013

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NBA 2k14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 3: Deep Sixered

I did well in the Showcase, so why am I still here?
Your son still needs you.

Yeah, I noticed.
Hi, I am the head of scouting for the [insert team name here]
Well, then I am [insert foot into mouth]
Never mind.
I don’t understand the future.
Then we gotta get you a suit!
With the eighth pick the Detroit Pistons select Jackson Ellis.
He gets to go to Detroit? That’s not fair.
Ziggy 2.0 has some bad news about Detroit, Sam.
With the eleventh pick the Philadelphia 76ers select Sam Beckett Jr.

The 76ers are pretty good, right?
RIGHT?

Good to see you, Sam.
We are excited to have you as a part of this organization.
Thanks, Glad to be here.
Now, we have contract to sign. Are we all in agreement?