NBA 2K14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 16: The Big Dogs

prevon

Hey, Beckett, I see you’re flush with VC now. How about you buy this sleeve?
Why would I want a sleeve?
It makes your shooting better.
That’s just silly.
Something about a failed energy drink that could float.
WHAT?
Yeah we fucked up on that investment and now several square miles in New Jersey are uninhabitable.
FUCK. What else could go wrong?
We’re trading for another SG.
…why?
YEAH WHY?
Don’t worry he won’t be stealing your minutes.
Hehehehehe

NBAgif

Yo, dawg, thanks for backing me up on this Tony Allen thing.
I think we both know your minutes are safe, so I appreciate it.
No problem. We’ve had our fights in the past…
I made you wear a clown nose.
But I think we came out better for it.
Whatever happened to that clown nose? Haven’t seen it in a while.
Yeah that kind of got dropped out of nowhere. There wasn’t even a cutscene explaining it.
Cutscene?
I… Uh… I…
I’ve been saying weird stuff like this ever since I saw the cover of that video game I’m on.
NBA 2k15 or something like that?
You’re not making any sense.
Yeah, I’ve been hearing that a lot.
So, how are we going to keep Tony Allen off our backs?
I don’t know. I want to believe the GM that he really isn’t a threat but…
Something doesn’t seem right.
I would watch out for Allen if I were you. He was involved in this shooting incident once and–
Wait, Tony Allen shot someone?
No, that’s the scary thing… He was just around. He broke someone’s eye socket.
With his fist? During a shooting?
I told you, Beckett. Watch out.

playerlounge

Hey, so you’re Sam Beckett Jr.?
Please don’t break my eye socket.
Wh-why would I do that?
I heard that was your thing.
Man, break one eye socket and it doesn’t matter what you do in the NBA…
…you’re still a guy who breaks eye sockets.
You should own it. You brought your fists to a gun fight and won.
That’s really not representative of what happened, man.
I’m trying to help you rehabilitate your image, Tony.
Is it because you’re afraid of me?
Maybe.
Listen, I don’t know why everyone is so frightened of me.
Well, it my case and Jason Richardson’s case…
It’s pretty weird the team traded for a shooting guard.
I also play–
Yeah we know you also play forward.
But Richardson is right. I’ve got him in my crosshairs.
You do? Really?
This might be my last shot at a title and he’s washed up.
He’s one year older than you.
I’m coming for him and if he doesn’t back down I’m going to break his eye socket.
What?
I thought you didn’t want that to be your thing.
Eh, you work with what god gave you.
Shit, I better watch out…
Nah, you got nothing to worry about. I know we need you for this title.
But Richardson is another story.
I don’t know how I feel about this.
Didn’t he try to force you out? Didn’t he accuse you of hurting him?
And make you wear a clown nose? And silly shoes?
Yeah, I guess so.
So just let it happen. I’ll feed you plenty of shots when I’m in at PG.
Ugh, what do I do?

tropical

So, Sam, what are you going to do?
Richardson or Allen?
I don’t know.
One of them has been after me for months, but he’s my teammate.
We came this far with him.
And the other?
He breaks eye sockets.
That’s both a reason to reject him and support him.
Exactly.
Damn it, why can’t I just play basketball.
Why do I have to deal with this bullshit?
You can’t just be a good player, you’ve got to be a good teammate and media personality.
This is why stars like Ted Williams and Barry Bonds get surly.
Barry Bonds? That skinny kid from the Pittsburgh Pirates?
I have some interesting news for you, Sam…

later that week

…seven hundred and sixty two home runs. Can you believe that?
Yeah, I know all about Barry Bonds.
How are you getting all excited about this right now?
Over 2500 walks! And 232 in a single year!
We’ve bene over this, and it was ten years ago…
And that on base percentage!
Settle down, Beckett, we’ve got more important things to talk about.
More important than a .609 OBP?
Maybe not, but it’s about your future.
You know how I told you that I’d start looking into some more endorsement deals?
Yeah, about that Kia thing–
What Kia thing?
You said–
Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Kia.
Quiche? No, man, I can’t eat eggs.
Not quiche. Kia. It’s a car. We’ve been over this a few times.
Tia Tequila? Dude, she’s kinda gross.
How could you even get that from what I said?
I dunno, man, you’re the one talking about weird ass things I’ve never heard about.
Fuck it. Never mind. Just tell me what you were gonna say.
This is a whole lot bigger than some made up car company deal I definitely didn’t promise you.

talkingwithsprint

Sprint? You mean the third largest U.S. telecommunications holding corporation?
The very one!
Wow, they’re one of the least hated comm companies in the country, if only by default.
Being good by default is nothing to sniff at.
I didn’t say “good”. I said “least hated”.
Are you being sarcastic right now?
No! This is a legitimately good deal as long as Jackson Ellis doesn’t end up with Veri-
Stop right there.
What? I was just going to say Veriz-
You can’t. We don’t have that license. We can’t use that name.
License? What do you mean we don’t have the license to use the name Veri-
God damn it, Beckett, you’re gonna get us in a lot of trouble.
Okay, okay! I guess if we don’t have “the license” I don’t have to worry about Ellis.
Sign me up. Sounds like a good deal.
That’s not all…

Alsowithsprite

Woah, Sprite! Damn, if all these billboards I keep seeing mean anything…
…Sprite has to be the biggest soft drink in the world.
Yeah, it’s something like that.
Seriously, everywhere it’s Sprite. I don’t see a single Coca-Cola ad anywhere.
Nope.
Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola.
What are you doing, Beckett?
You’re not stopping me. Why can I say “Coca-Cola” but I can’t say that other company’s name?
That’s obvious. Coca-Cola is owned by the Sprite corporation.
Uh, isn’t it the other way around?
Nope.
Wow, it’s a dark future.
No, it’s a clear future. A clear, crisp, refreshing future.
Well this is great. Sprite and Sprint.
I’m on top of the drink world and a few steps from the telcom world.
Wait, there’s one catch?
Do I have to actually use a Sprint phone?
No…

oneortheother

What? What sense does that make?
They are two totally different products.
Well, that is true.
Unless…
I know exactly what’s going on.
There isn’t going to be a SpritePhone.
Damn it.
I know. If only my reception was as clear and crisp as a cold Sprite.
You left out refreshing.
Reception can’t be refreshing, Sam.
So what’s the big deal? Why can’t I take them both?
Just think about it. The names are too similar.
Really? That’s the reason?
That’s the reason.
It’s a dumb reason.
These are corporations we’re talking about.
Okay, I guess I have to make a choice…

spriteorsprint

I can’t turn down Sprite.
That sounds like a perfect billboard tag line.
Sam Beckett Jr.: I can’t turn down a Sprite.
But it doesn’t have anything to do with basketball.
I get a lot of steals, so maybe the billboard should be me stealing someone’s Sprite.
Ugh
It’s a good think you’re in basketball and not marketing.
What? That was a bad idea?
Maybe I should be pouring Sprite into a shotglass and it should read:
“Now this is a no-doubter”.
Jesus Christ.
You don’t even use “shot” in the copy.
That’s overselling the joke, isn’t it?
Please just leave this stuff to me.
Really that bad?
I’m getting chills.
Okay, fine, I’ll let you handle the ads.
Thank god.

justlockeroom

Hey, Beckett, what’s got you down?
I hear you got signed by Sprite.
Yeah.
That’s like the god of soft drinks choosing its Abraham, man, that’s huge.
You’re going a bit far with this Sprite worship here.
I just don’t see why you’re feeling down.
You know what’s going on with Jason Richardson and Tony Allen, right?
Tony’s come into take Jason’s job, right?
They’re both expecting us all to choose sides.
I noticed and I picked Tony Allen.
Why? You’ve been Jason’s teammate for the whole season.
Just look at the stats. Tony’s been better.

stats

Huh, guess you’re right. But really whoelever wins the job…
…they’ll just be backing up me, Michael, and Evan.
That’s why I’m the perfect arbiter in all of this. I don’t have any skin in the game.
Still seems weird to turn on Jason like this.
I was just beginning to get along with him.
You know he called you a messed-up loser, right?
And he insinuated things about your mother and certain Indiana farm animals.
My dead mother?
Wait, is this one of those times where you’re just completely making things up?
What are you talking about? I don’t make things up.
You make things up all the time.
I just want to know if I’m getting mad at Jason Richardson for real things or fake things.
It’s… It’s fake things.
That’s what I thought, though it would have made my decision a lot easier.
See, I was trying to make things easy on you.
I don’t think that’s what you were doing.
C’mon, I always know what I’m doing.
That’s scarier than any other possibility.

justnextday

Yo, Beckett, you are just rocking it.
It’s been that way for a while, but I guess you’re right.
Just a game away from sealing the playoffs for the 76ers.
Let’s look at the standings.

standings
leaguestats

You know that these are nearly record-setting numbers, right?
And you’re a god damn rookie.
What can I say? Time is on my side.
I feel like you were going for a double meaning with that but I’m missing at least one of them.
So, what’s next? You want to talk about the bullshit going on with the team?
Nah, we got yet another endorsement offer.
Is Kia back?

pickbetweenbigdawgs

Oh, now you’ve got me excited.
That’s right. It’s the moment you’ve waited your whole short career for.
Lay it on me.
All right, it’s time to choose between Nike and Jordan.

…and?
And?
Uh, and Big Dogs, right?
What are you talking about?
You said it was time to choose between the big dogs…
…so I figured they would be an option, right?
What are you talking about?
Big Dogs, of course.
You’re not making this any clearer.
They’ve got those graphic tees with the, uh, big dogs on them.
Like these:

bigdogtee

What is wrong with you?
Uh, Big Dogs a legitimate sportswear brand.
Sam, you need to be quiet.
You leapt out of the 1980s in the brief period when Big Dogs was actually edgy.
Now they’re only appreciated by white people in their 40s who don’t have a sense of humor.
I’m sticking to this conviction. What’s wrong with Big Dogs?
Uh, how about this?

healthcare

What am I looking at here?
It’s supposed to be a critique of the Affordable Care Act.
What, because a dog can’t use the website?
A dog can’t use any websites!
Do you see the problem?
Yeah, I can’t even imagine working a computer mouse without opposable thumbs.
Kind of a reductionist approach to the problem but I’ll take it.
Big Dogs isn’t an option for obvious reasons.
It was much better when the big dogs just left the little ones on the porch.
I’ll break it down for you:

jordanmostmoney

That sounds good!
But Nike is Nike. And you’ll get all sorts of fans if you work with them.
No matter who you decide to sign with, you’ll get to use their shoes whenever you want.
I’ve adjusted to my sparkly purple shoes, though.
Well, you can keep using them too if you want to.
This is a tough decision.
You sure that Big Dogs isn’t an option?
Uhhh

dogdynasty

Never mind. I’m out.
So, that means you’ve gotta choose between Nike and Jordan.
What’s it going to be?

whosignwith

Wait, isn’t Jordan a subsidiary of Nike?
C’mon, now you bring this up?
It’s a serious concern. Why is this a choice?
This makes less sense than Sprite and Sprint.
I believe that Nikes and Jordans are made at completely separate sweat shops in Asia.
And how is that supposed to make me feel?
Confused?
I guess I’ll go with Nike. They’re the main brand. I want to be part of that.

officialnike

And what does that mean?
Well, let’s take a look at the billboard.

nikebillboard

That’s pretty sweet.
Well, what’s next?
Next you need to clinch the playoffs.
And decide between Jason Richardson and Tony Allen.
Fuck, you know about that too?

Justdetroit

Agent Allen is in place.
All is going as planned.
You can’t do this, Future Beckett!
Even though I don’t understand why you’re doing this!
We’re almost at the end, Ellis.
You’re almost free. We just have to finish what we started.

TBC

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