Sorry, Beckett, but you won’t be getting any playing time without an injury.
Oh God! My ankle!
Get out there, Beckett.
You did this!
Great job, kid, maybe I’ll let you start the next game.
Just kidding.
Al, what do I have to leap out of here?
Something big is going to happen on March 29
Oh no, he knows about March 29!
Then you’re going to have to destroy him the next time you meet.

I know that March 29 is a long time away, but so far this season has been a disaster.
I can’t get playing time, my teammates are bad, and Jason Richarson hates me.
If leaping out of here depends on winning a game–
Don’t despair yet, Sam.
Have you forgotten about your VC?
Coach won’t let me forget about VC.
He says that the secrets of the universe are coded in the block chain.
Well, the good news is that in response to the server issues…
…we’ve received a bunch of codes for VC.

We’re rich!
Relatively…
Finally I can upgrade this wardrobe.
I’ll get right on that.

Really funny, Al.
I think it’s an upgrade.
You know, my ex-wife loved Hawaiian prints.
Surely you can remember which one had such terrible taste?
It’s a good look on you, Sam.
Get me a better shirt.
Remember, we have to use VC to upgrade your abilities, too.
You still want me to waste it on more clothes?
…I guess not. Let’s look at upgrading my skills

That’s a good idea, Sam. Your passing has been terrible lately.
Your ball handling needs some work, too.
That’s something I hoped I’d never hear you say to me.
Real adult, sam. Spend a little VC on some maturity before you go crazy on offensive skills…
…and take a look at signature skills.

What are these?
Performance bonuses.
Hm… I like the sound of these.

Ankle breaker! I knew it!
Richardson! What the hell are you doing in the backseat of my car?
And how long have you been there?
I was on a stakeout, dawg, and I found what I needed to find.
You were the one responsible for my injury, Ankle Breaker.
No I wasn’t!
But breaking ankles is your signature skill!
I just bought and equipped it a few seconds ago.
Don’t bullshit me, dawg, I know you can’t just buy or equip skills.
Be careful, Sam, I think you’re the only one able to use VC for this purpose.
Really?
And who the hell have you been talking to this whole time?
At first I thought you knew I was here, but you kept saying “Al”.
And let me guess… I can’t call you Al.
Please tell me you get that reference.
I fucking saw Aladdin, dawg.
Ugh.
Just get out of the car. I’m still working on spending my VC.
Fine, but I’m watching you.
And coach says you shouldn’t spend it. VC is a wise investment.
Al, can you have a look around and make sure he’s really gone?
Looks like it.
Why didn’t you catch him back there before?
I saw him, but after what you said about my taste in shirts I thought I’d let him stay.
Thanks for that.
But back to upgrading my abilities. So far, my teammates haven’t been scoring much…
…so I’ll focus on my shooting.

Really looking like a team player there, Sam.

Hey, thought everyone was gone. What are you looking at?
Just looking through some of the film from the last game.

Wait… Film? Thank God someone around here stil knows what film is.
You didn’t say “video” or “tapes” or “mp4s”.
Did you know that Nerlens calls all videos “mp4s”?
Yeah, I kinda told him that mp4s were the original video format…
…and that in the old days folks had to transfer mp4s to film and tape for playback purposes.
Why do you do that?
What do you mean?
Why are you always making up facts, especially around Nerlens?
Man…
I don’t really wanna talk about it. Wanna check out the films?

Glad to hear it.
You know, Richardson says you’re not much of a team player.
He thinks I tried to break his ankle.
Well, that is your signature skill.
I’m feeling like that choice was a mistake.
Naw, it’s real useful.
Like when you need one of your teammates to go down so you can get some minutes.
Man, really?
I’m just fucking around, Beckett.
Let’s take a look at these game tapes from the game against New Orleans.

All right, first thing’s first.
Take a look at what Tyreke Evans does here after his dunk.
What the hell is that?

That, kid, is a celebratory dance. And the first thing you need to work on.
I don’t know about that.
Listen, swag is everything.
Does this mean you can explain “swag” to me?
Because the last person I asked seemed all mixed up.
Well, Beckett, as I understand it…
Swag is a 1976 Elmore Leonard novel that experienced something of a resurgence in the urban youth.
It tells the story of a bank robber who comes up with a foolproof set of rules for getting away clean.
Rule number 4 was to dress all classy. That’s why presenting like a baller is “swag”.
Really? It’s that simple?
You thought that explanation was simple?
Why are you showing me a celebratory dance anyway?
What did I just say? Swag is everything.
Now compare Evans dance to this:

Man that’s just embarassing.
You don’t even know what to do with yourself when you score.
Yeah that’s pretty hard to watch.
It’s like when your dad tries to dance.
Yeah, my dad…
Oh god.
What’s going on, Beckett?
It’s complicated.
Lay it on me.
I can’t. It might disrupt the future.
But wait… This is the future!
Is this one of those deep things that Michael Carter-Williams is always talking about?
Because if so I’m going to have to check out early.
It might be kind of deep.
Yeah, let’s just get back to the video.
That might be a good idea.
Before the game, I told Nerlens that New Orleans was named after him.
If you watch carefully, you can see the moment he figures out I was fucking with him.

Wow.
That’s actually kind of heartbreaking.
I know!

Thanks for stopping by.
As you know, it’s important to me to check in regularly with all our players.
Uh, who are you?
I’m the GM of the 76ers.
Listen, I have access to a supercomputer which means I can tell you Sam Hinkie is the GM of the 76ers.
And you’re no…
Well, I guess you look kinda like Sam Hinkie.

Never mind who I am.
I want to know how things are going with the team.

I wish I could say everything was great out there…
But I’ve been playing real well and I think I could do better with more minutes.
Hm…
The lineup is really coach’s decision.
Then why did you ask me?
Like I said, it’s important fo me to check in regularly with all our players.
…
I just looked over the stats and the standings up to this point, and you’re right. You should be getting more minutes.

But what’s with the assists? All you seem to do is shoot the ball.
I pass all the time!
It’s just… No one else on the team shoots worth a damn when I’m out there.
What do you mean?
I get double teamed, I find an open man and throw them the ball.
If I’m lucky, they don’t drop it and turn it over.
But even then they either pass it back to me, hold onto it for five seconds, or shoot and miss.
I’ve noticed that’s a problem.
…and?
Game strategy is coach’s decision.
What exactly do you do around here?
I trade you if you mouth off to me.
Trade, hm? How about I–
No, Beckett, I’m not trading you less than 15 games into your career.
Oh…

God damn it, Beckett, you really got pwnt today.
Keep this up and coach might cut your minutes instead of boosting ’em.
Hey, I did just fine. Just fine except for…
What was with those free throws, Beckett?
I haven’t seen misses like that since Congress failed to properly investigate the Benghazi attack.
The what attack?
 Of course you don’t know.  Fucking mainstream media kept it covered up. Don’t worry, Beckett, I have some literature for you.
Can I read it too? I love literature!
Of course. You should all read it. You should all know what’s really happening in this country.
Man, Benghazi isn’t even in this country!
That’s what you think.
And, coach, Beckett doesn’t need literature. He needs to practice his free throws.
I was about to head over to the gym anyway. Wanna come along?

All right, in the last game you missed two free throws in a row.
That should never happen, since you’re a shooting guard.
I don’t know what that was about. They just went off mark.
It’s like it only happened for story reasons. But we’re not in a story, right?
James Naismith said that every basketball game is a story.
The players are the writers, but the coach is their editor.
I don’t think James Naismith ever said that.
Listen, I want you to hit fifty free throws without missing two in a row.
Fifty?
James Naismith also said that “twenty is plenty, but fifty is nifty”.
Oh man, this is going to take me forever.

Phew, I did it.
I don’t think I’ll be having any games like that again.
You did great, Beckett.
Take a look at this…
Another film to watch?
I had the videographer on you while you were working on your free throws.
The team had this whipped up with the footage.

…
What the hell is that, Thaddeus?
It’s a montage of you working on–
This is a memorial video.
It says “1993 – Too Soon”!
This is the kind of thing you’d make for someone who is dead.
Funny story about that, heh, Beckett.
What aren’t you telling me, Thaddeus?
Well, uh, hm…
While you were practicing your throws, I may have told something to the others.
Oh no…
I may have told them that the reason you missed your throws was because you were sick.
And then when they asked what you had, I told them you were dying of Multiple Dystrophy.
Multiple dystrophy isn’t even a real disease.
They don’t know that!
So the whole team thinks I’m dying now?
You know how I am, Beckett.  And things got out of hand.
This is bad.
Hey, this means they’re all rallying behind you!
Continuing to play in the NBA with Multiple Dystrophy is a huge accomplishment.
But it’s a lie! And it’s not even a believable one.
Since there is no such thing as “multiple dystrophy”!
Maybe you should just roll with it for a while?
Hey, I know a doctor who can get you a novel diagnosis. This is sure to help your career!
Oh boy…