Basketball is a tragic misstep in evolution. Nature crated an aspect of nature seperate from itself…
…and now it has come crashing down on the rims of natural law.
This makes you even more insufferable than usual.
Find the Yellow King.
LeBron James is the Yellow King.
Okay, LeBron, tell me what you know and also teach me to dunk.
Your mom was killed by a time traveler, time is a flat circle, and so is the hoop. Grab on and hang like this.
A time traveler? But… I’m the only time traveler.
Then you must eventually become the murderer.
This whole story is bullshit.
I warned you not to look into this, Sam.
You knew that Donna was murdered, and that I was responsible, and you did nothing.
No, I didn’t know that you were responsible.
And you weren’t. At worst, you will be responsible.
How long have you been travelling through time and you still don’t understand?
Well, if I’m going to kill Donna in the future, that’s an easy problem to solve.
I just have to choose not to do it.
If it were that simple, Sam, then why did it happen?
I don’t know! Leaping into the future has disrupted everything I thought I understood.
Right now you can’t be worrying about what will happen and has happened in the future past.
Oh god when you put it like that it’s even worse.
Right now you need to be playing some solid basketball.
Are we still worried about March 29?
A few months ago it was a big deal because the 76ers were terrible and I had to beat Jackson Ellis.
But right now the 76ers are pretty good.
You’re pretty good. Have you taken a look at the stats for the rest of the team without you?
Okay, yeah, I see your point.
Right now, if I were Jackson Ellis, I’d be finding a way to take you out of the equation.
Without you, this team is completely lost.
Yeah, I guess I am pretty much carrying the team.
Without your interference in history, the 76ers would be one of the worst teams in the league.
The team would be in disarray. Evan Turner’s gone. Thaddeus is begging for a trade.
The lottery would be their only hope.
But now we’re looking for the playoffs.
Be careful, Sam. You can’t let up. And you can’t drop your guard.
We still don’t know what happens if the 76ers lose on the 29th.
Don’t worry, we’re not going to find out.
Thanks for meeting with me, Sam.
Are you going to get me to invest in an energy drink, too?
Because I’m already in on the one that floats in midair.
What’s in this stuff?
Man, I don’t know. If I did, I’d be using it to dunk all the time.
Fortunately, I’m not here to compete with that.
I want to talk about your representation.
So you’re my congressman?
Because my coach wants me to ask about something called Benghazi and I don’t really–
I’m not a congressman, Sam. I’m a sports agent.
Surely you’ve heard of me.
I’m a little out of touch with the modern world.
That’s all the more reason you need an agent at the top of his game.
An agent with more experience than…uh…what’s his name?
I don’t know.
C’mon, Sam, there’s no need to play games. We can talk about this like professionals.
No, I really don’t know his name.
But isn’t he your best friend?
Yeah! Yeah he is my best friend. I don’t know what I’m doing here betraying him with you.
Well, here’s the thing about friendship…
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Friendship gnaws at you?
What are you? Some childrens’ movie villain who can be undone by the power of heart?
Of course not. That’s…uh…silly.
Listen, why should I turn on my friend and sign with you?
Well, first off, you need some swag.
I keep hearing that, but no one will explain it.
Kid, I’ve got ears everywhere and I know you’ve been having trouble with your court celebrations.
Yeah, they’re kind of awkward.
Yeah, you gotta work on that. No one’s gonna want to give you a sneaker deal dancing like that.
What am I supposed to do? I don’t know how today’s kids act.
You keep saying these things like you’re some kind of old man but–
I’d rather not talk about that.
You sure are a secretive one.
But I’ll give you this one for free. Next time you dunk, try out these…
Woah! Don’t do them all at the same time.
Really? I thought–
Kid, you really do need me.
Has your agent–what’s his name–has he gotten you talks with Nike?
Reebok? Gatorade? Powerade?
Or the big kahuna, Sprite?
Sprite’s really the “big kahuna”?
Answer my question. What’s your agent done for you lately?
There was the floating energy drink…
Yeah, he got you an investment deal, not an endorsement deal.
And do you really think that stuff is making it past the FDA?
I did wonder about that…
And when you go to retire, you’re gonna need a lot of revenue streams.
I don’t just represent stars, but former players and other media figures.
Oh all the big names.
Oh, I can’t say any of the names.
That’s okay. I can just look it up. What’s your name again?
Uh, well, um, you see, uh…
You really are an agent.
Just think on it for a while. Think if you’re really happy with what your current rep is doing for you.
I’ll be here for you either way.
Sam, are you really considering switching agents?
I don’t know.
This seems like it could be a distraction.
The man had a point, my agent really hasn’t done all that much for me lately.
There are people talking about me as Rookie of the Year, maybe even MVP…
…and I don’t have a single endorsement deal.
Is any of that really important, though?
Even if I leap out of here after March 29, I want to leave Junior in the best possible position.
By alienating his best friend?
I just said I was thinking about it. Not deciding anything.
Ask your teammates. See what they think.
You really think so?
They know a lot more about this world than you, me, or even Ziggy 2.0.
Go with whichever agent is better at acquiring resources from the idle rich.
You gonna buy a new courier, Sandking?
I got a sweet custom I’ll trade you for some keys.
Keys protect property. Property is theft. Don’t make that trade, it’s illegitmate by nature.
Dawg, don’t listen to these weirdos. You can’t just abandon your best friend from childhood.
That’s all you need to know.
Not relevant. My best friend was a feeding noob, so I ditched him.
Feeding? I’m hungry.
Which of these agents can get you an Arby’s endorsement deal?
Arby’s? That’s the fast food chain you pick?
Uh, yeah, of course.
With an Arby’s deal, you’d be able to get all the horsey sauce you wanted.
Make sure to share that if you lock it down, Beckett.
From each according to their supply of horsey, to each according to his chedder beef.
You know they make that sauce from real horses?
What? Really? No wonder I can’t get enough.
Uh, you want to be eating horses?
Didn’t you tell me that by eating animals I gain their power?
Oh, yeah, I guess I did say that at some point.
What’s more powerful than a horse?
A bear. A bear is more powerful than a horse.
Yo, you know where I can get some beary sauce for my Arbys?
I know a place but you’re gonna need someone to vouch for you and you’ll need to pay in bitcoin.
Don’t get me started on bitcoin.
How many keys can you buy with a bitcoin nowadays? I might need to get on this.
You people are useless.
Yo, Beckett, I heard about your meeting.
Yeah, man, I really meant to tell you about this.
I met with this guy…
Woah, woah, I wouldn’t go that far.
He’s trying to poach you, Beckett.
And have you turned him down yet?
Listen, it’s just that–
So he’s my new rival.
I’m sorry, man, but he promised me all sorts of things…
…endorsements, money, sweet celebration dances for after a big dunk.
Yeah, sure he did.
But did he tell you that he takes 25% of everything you make?
No, I guess he didn’t.
And did he tell you that you’d just be one of hundreds of clients.
He has hundreds of clients? Wow, that’s impressive.
Maybe I should rephrase that.
You’re my only client, and you have all my attention.
So, what are you working on?
I’m glad you asked. I have a few things in the fire.
But right now I’m working on a Kia commerical.
I know it’s not Toyota, or Ford, but it’s a start.
What? Really? I had you at Kia?
Trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here.
They wanna start this campaign out on a high note…
…so you’re gonna need to win four out of the next five games.
There’s a catch? To a Kia endorsement?
This is the best you can do?
Is that really gonna be a problem for you and the 76ers?
Now that you’re a starter, the team is dominating now. Look at this:
I guess you’ve got a point.
Still, that other agent didn’t put any conditions on his offers.
Just work with me, Beckett. You gotta give me that.
And if you’re really unhappy with what I’m doing, don’t worry.
We’ll still be friends.
Good to hear we’re still on the same page.
Now you better get ready, since you gotta win 4 of the next 5.
And your next game is against Jackson Ellis and the Pistons.
What? Ellis again?