NBA 2K14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 8: The End of the Lie

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I want you to destroy Sam Beckett Jr.
Don’t worry, I’m going to run him all around the court.
No, I want you to kill him.
Yeah, I’m going to kill his unsustainable shooting percentage.
Listen, you need to murder him.
Exactly, murder his all star game chances.
Argh
Your first game against Jackson Ellis is coming up. How are you going to prepare?
Getting into a fight with Jason Richardson, of course.
That’s not productive…
You’re going down, Beckett.
We’ll see.
Fuck, embarassed myself again!
You disappoint me, Ellis.
I don’t even know who you are.
I’m Dr. Sam Beckett
That doesn’t make any sense!
Or maybe it makes too much sense.
No. No it doesn’t!

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Well, Al, I soundly beat Jason Ellis in Detroit and the 76ers are actually playing like a good team.
This is going more smoothly than expected.
I wouldn’t get too used to it.
Why not?
I suspect that there is more than meets the eye about this situation.
Why is that?
If it’s really going to be this easy, then the run up to March 29 is going to be a slog.
I said “smoothly” not “easy”.
I still have to wear that stupid clown nose in public.
We should get some pictures of that to send back to everyone at the office.
Did you know they don’t use film to take pictures anymore?
What? Polaroid finally won?
It’s all digital.
Digital? Like 1s and 0s?
I guess so.
How does that even work?
I don’t know, but my phone can take unlimited pictures.
What’s the use of putting a camera on a phone? How many pictures can you take of your own living room?
Get this… I’m talking about a mobile phone.
You’re messing with me.
It’s smaller than my wallet.
And it’s made by Apple.
Now I know you’re just making this up.
My ex-wife invested in Apple. Terrible decision.
I hope she didn’t sell.
Or maybe I do, depending on how spiteful you are.

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NBA 2k14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 7: Motor City Showdown

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Hey kid, sorry about your disease.
Now wear this clown nose.
Really?
Really.
This is humiliating.
But I am suddenly scoring a ton.
You’re really kicking ass, kid. Let’s go out on the town.

couch2

Oh god…
That was a worse decision than the clown nose.
Pull it together, Sam! Your first game against Jackson Ellis is almost here!

Justdetroit

Are you ready for what you have to do?
Don’t you worry, after what he did to me in the draft showcase…
I’m going to destory Sam Beckett Jr.
That’s what I like to hear.
I don’t get it. Why is all this so important?
You’ve gone to a lot of trouble to make sure everything goes right on March 29.
What is this about? Money? Power?
Oh, nothing so simple.
This is about freedom. Opportunity. Justice. The founding principles of this country.
So some deep shit?
Everything went astray, Jackson.
This is not the world our fathers built for us.
It isn’t?
Listen to me, Jackson.
Our time is fleeting on this planet.
We are born, we die, and we fade away.
I ain’t gonna fade away.
You’re missing the point, Jackson.
In the end, all we have is what we have left for those that come after.
And I intend to return the world to the way it should be.
Oh, like Katniss standing up to the Capitol?
Uh… Yes. Exactly like that.
But that was undermined by the actions of the–
Quiet! I haven’t read the books. I’m only watching the movies.
That’s a shame.
I don’t have many people to talk to about the books.
Everyone else in the locker room is the same way. Just waiting for the movies.
My time is valuable. I’m trying to change the world.
Yeah, but do we really want the world changed by someone who doesn’t read?
I read!
It’s just mostly nonfiction.
That’s what they all say.
You don’t even know me!
Yeah, I bet it’s hard to read what with you being all up in the shadows all the time.
Not good for your eyesight.
So, does that mean you’re gonna get some lights and let me see your face?
No. You’re not ready to understand yet.
Now you have a job to do. You must destroy Sam Beckett Jr.
Don’t worry. I look forward to it.

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So, Al, can you ask Ziggy 2.0 what the hell is up with the media these days?
What do you mean?
All they want to talk about is this game against Jackson Ellis.
It’s like they’ve forgotten about my illness or my clown nose.
Well, you remember ESPN, right? And how crazy it was there was 24 hour sports channel?
Yeah.
Now there’s ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN 3, ESPN Classic, ESPN Deportes, ESPN After Dark–
ESPN After Dark? I don’t think my TV gets that one.
You have to be a member of the Bohemian Club to receive ESPN After Dark.
What’s on it?
You ever want to see a live feed from inside Derek Jeter’s bedroom?
They spy on baseball players?
Nah, Jeter is totally into it.
Anyway, this is all without even touching the Fox Sports networks.
And a million websites.
What does this have to do with everyone obsessing about me vs. Ellis?
With all these outlets, all competing, the media has a short attention span.
They can only focus on the immediate controversy, and forget about everything else.
Even a guy making up a disease?
You should be glad that the media isn’t looking into it more.
You could have ended up on NCIS: ESPN.

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NBA 2k14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 6: Beckett the Red-Nosed SG

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Holy shit look at all this free VC we have.
You should probably use it to become a useful player.
And buy a Hawaiian shirt.
What? No, why would I?

tropical

Damn it.
Hey, kid, you’re doing okay except your free throws are terrible.
Lay off Beckett, coach.
He can’t hit free throws because he’s suffering from Multiple Dystrophy.
What? No, I–
Yeah, and there’s no cure for Multi D.
It’s not even a real–
I don’t know how long he has.
Oh boy…

coaches office after the game

Kid, you should have told me about your disease.
How did this not come up in the pre-draft interviews?
Your story is an amazing tale of American ingenuity and dedication.
About that “disease”, there’s something you should know.
Thaddeus says that it affects the nerves and the muscles.
The fact that you can play basketball at all is amazing, especially after healthcare reform.
You know, coach, Thaddeus says a lot of things that aren’t true.
Maybe given the media attention surrounding your disease, we should change things up.
Oh god there’s media attention now?
I was thinking I’d increase your playing time.
Oh, well, in that case…

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Sam, what the hell were you thinking?
Are you really going to let this lie continue?
It’s gotten too big for me now.
And whose fault is that?
Thaddeus Young!
He’s a compulsive liar. He can’t help himself. But you…
I don’t know how else I’m going to get playing time.
So you’re going to pretend to have a disease that doesn’t exist?
This is going to end terribly, and you know it.
I only have to pretend until March 29, right? Then I leap out and–
And your son has to deal with the blowback of your terrible decision.
Because eventually people are going to find out.
I don’t want to mess things up for junior. But right now, I’m desperate.
We’re still not even sure what happens on March 29, Sam.
It’s a basketball game against the Pistons and Jackson Ellis. I’m pretty sure the 76ers have to win.
And I’m sure you’ve noticed that the 76ers are terrible.
The solution can’t be to lie about a terminal disease to get playing time!
I’m not lying. I’m just not correcting Thaddeus.
Oh, don’t get technical with me, Sam.
Al, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to bring this team together and win on March 29.
Anything, huh?

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NBA 2k14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 5: Thaddeus Explains It All

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Sorry, Beckett, but you won’t be getting any playing time without an injury.
Oh God! My ankle!
Get out there, Beckett.
You did this!
Great job, kid, maybe I’ll let you start the next game.
Just kidding.
Al, what do I have to leap out of here?
Something big is going to happen on March 29
Oh no, he knows about March 29!
Then you’re going to have to destroy him the next time you meet.

Inthecar

I know that March 29 is a long time away, but so far this season has been a disaster.
I can’t get playing time, my teammates are bad, and Jason Richarson hates me.
If leaping out of here depends on winning a game–
Don’t despair yet, Sam.
Have you forgotten about your VC?
Coach won’t let me forget about VC.
He says that the secrets of the universe are coded in the block chain.
Well, the good news is that in response to the server issues…
…we’ve received a bunch of codes for VC.

5000vc

We’re rich!
Relatively…
Finally I can upgrade this wardrobe.
I’ll get right on that.

tropical

Really funny, Al.
I think it’s an upgrade.
You know, my ex-wife loved Hawaiian prints.
Surely you can remember which one had such terrible taste?
It’s a good look on you, Sam.
Get me a better shirt.
Remember, we have to use VC to upgrade your abilities, too.
You still want me to waste it on more clothes?
…I guess not. Let’s look at upgrading my skills

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NBA 2K14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 4.1: This Save Requires an Active Connection to the 2K Servers

Hey, Nerlens, you know why developers keep trying always-online gaming?
No, Thad. Why?
It’s all part of the plan to make things better for gamers.
But that doesn’t make any sense. We have barely been able to get to a game all week!
That’s just phase one of the plan.
Phase one?
See, Nerlens, there’s a good reason to require an online connection for a single player game.
It’s all about synergy.
Coach talks about synergy all the time!
For good reason, because synergy is the new paradigm.
It’s a low-risk, high-yield reinvention of the ecosystem.
Okay, none of that made sense. I just wanna hear about phase two.
Because phase two has gotta make up for this bullshit, right?
Forget about phase two for now.
But you said–
Have you ever wanted to be part of a community?
I guess so…
What if you could vertically integrate all aspects of a community?
Top to bottom, within one economy.
Economy?
I… I uh… I meant “ecosystem”.
That still doesn’t make sense.
Seriously, Thad, when does this get good for gamers?
Well, first you have to redefine “good”.
But I don’t want to redefine “good”!
What if I redefine good and then everything is bad?
And what if everything is great?
Nothing is great right now.
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NBA 2K14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 4: In Which Sam Beckett Becomes a N00b Feeder

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Alright I’m on the way to my next game.
Not so fast, we need to download a patch.
FUCK.

Inthecar

Alright, Al, are we ready to go now?
Among other things we addressed a discrepancy between dynamic goals and social media messages.
I don’t know what that means.
Maybe you should check out your stats before you head to the game.

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NBA 2k14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 3: Deep Sixered

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I did well in the Showcase, so why am I still here?
Your son still needs you.

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Yeah, I noticed.
Hi, I am the head of scouting for the [insert team name here]
Well, then I am [insert foot into mouth]
Never mind.
I don’t understand the future.
Then we gotta get you a suit!
With the eighth pick the Detroit Pistons select Jackson Ellis.
He gets to go to Detroit? That’s not fair.
Ziggy 2.0 has some bad news about Detroit, Sam.
With the eleventh pick the Philadelphia 76ers select Sam Beckett Jr.

fistbump

The 76ers are pretty good, right?
RIGHT?

later that week

Good to see you, Sam.
We are excited to have you as a part of this organization.
Thanks, Glad to be here.
Now, we have contract to sign. Are we all in agreement?

agreeterms

All right, we’ve had the media team whip up a little video for you.

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NBA 2K14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 2: Feeling a Draft

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Oh my God, I’ve leapt into the body of the son I didn’t even know I had
Oh my God he found out about his son!
And we’re in the future!
I’m your best friend since childhood and I got you a shot in the NBA.
But you don’t even know my name.
Looks like all I have to do impress in the rookie showcase.
That means beating Jackson Ellis.
May the odds never be in your favor.
Fortunately I did basketball only two seasons ago.

Dunk
You got lucky and you beat me.
Okay, ready to leap now.
Nope. Not happening.
Fuck.

AfterRookie

Next up are the pre-draft interviews.
Teams that were impressed with your performance will want to talk to you one-on-one.
I had 39 points, shouldn’t all the teams be impressed?
You also only had one assist, and no steals or rebounds.
The coach kept calling for pick-and-rolls and I got confused.
You got confused by the pick-and-roll?
Sam, be careful here.
Ziggy says the pick-and-roll is a play that became popular throughout the 90s.
Oh, the Sprite of basketball?
I guess you could call it that. But why was it confusing you?
That’s… Not what I meant. I meant I just wanted to shoot for myself.
C’mon, S. Don’t go saying that in the upcoming interviews.
And before that, we’ve got a few other things to go over.
Yeah, like how Arnold Schwarzenegger became Governor of California.
Man, I keep telling you: go to wikipedia for that.
And I keep telling you I don’t know what wikipedia is.
It’s good you can ball, because you’d be lost otherwise.
Anyway, the NBA sent over this personality test for you to fill out.
Really? And I’m supposed to be cool with that?
They’re about to make you a millionaire, so yeah. You’re supposed to be cool with that.
First, I want to talk about your expectations for your career.
If you could choose any team to draft you, which would it be?
Hmmm…

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NBA 2K14 – Quantum Hoop Episode 1: The Far Flung Future

Huh, basketball again? At least it’s a sport I know I can handle.
Still, something doesn’t seem right. If I’m playing basketball, why am I wearing long pants?
And why are there ads for Sprite everywhere I look?
Man, I’ve been looking all over for you. Should have known you’d be here.
Just working on my moves. Say, when did all these Sprite ads appear?
Sprite ads? That’s what you’re worried about?
I was worried about what year I’d leapt into. This didn’t feel like any time I’d been to before.
Just wondering, that’s all.
You don’t even want to know why I’m so excited?
Take a look at this: an invite to the Rookie Showcase in New York.
This is your ticket to the first round of the draft.
This is amazing!
An easily identified obstacle and goal…and I’ve only been here five minutes!
Man, what the hell are you talking about? Are you high? Or are you just dehydrated?
Sounds like you need a nice, refreshing can of Sprite.
The mystery just deepened.
Look, I don’t care what you have to do. Snap out of it. We’ve got work to do.
Don’t worry about me. Just let me see that invite and…
Wait, does this say it’s 2013???

ohboytest

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